Reading Journey

Title	The Courage to Be Disliked
Author	Ichiro Kishimi
Publisher	Atlantic Books
Isbn	9781760638269
Percent	92.2%

Bookmarks

Date	Chapter	Percent
March 02, 2023 09:02	EXCESSIVE SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS STIFLES THE SELF	70.1%

Highlights

Date	Chapter	Percent	Color	Quote
March 03, 2023 15:03	GIVE MEANING TO SEEMINGLY MEANINGLESS LIFE	88.7%	#FFB	PHILOSOPHER: No matter what moments you are living, or if there are people who dislike you, as long as you do not lose sight of the guiding star of ‘I contribute to others’, you will not lose your way, and you can do whatever you like. Whether you’re disliked or not, you pay it no mind and live free. YOUTH: If I have the star of contribution to others high in the sky above me, I will always have happiness and comrades by my side. PHILOSOPHER: Then, let’s dance in earnest the moments of the here and now, and live in earnest. Do not look at the past, and do not look at the future. One lives each complete moment like a dance. There is no need to compete with anyone, and one has no use for destinations. As long as you are dancing, you will get somewhere.
March 03, 2023 15:02	GIVE MEANING TO SEEMINGLY MEANINGLESS LIFE	88.2%	#FFB	Adler, having stated that ‘life in general has no meaning’, then continues, ‘Whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual.’
March 03, 2023 15:01	GIVE MEANING TO SEEMINGLY MEANINGLESS LIFE	87.9%	#FFB	The world in which we live is constantly beset by all manner of horrendous events, and we exist with the ravages of war and natural disasters all around us. When confronted by the fact of children dying in the turmoil of war, there is no way one can go on about the meaning of life. In other words, there is no meaning in using generalisations to talk about life. But being confronted by such incomprehensible tragedies without taking any action is tantamount to affirming them. Regardless of the circumstances, we must take some form of action. We must stand up to Kant’s ‘inclination’.
March 03, 2023 15:00	THE GREATEST LIFE-LIE	87.4%	#FFB	The greatest life-lie of all is to not live here and now. It is to look at the past and the future, cast a dim light on one’s entire life, and believe that one has been able to see something. Until now, you have turned away from the here and now, and only shone a light on invented pasts and futures. You have told a great lie to your life, to these irreplaceable moments.
March 03, 2023 14:59	THE GREATEST LIFE-LIE	86.9%	#FFB	And the same may be said with regard to your own life. You set objectives for the distant future, and think of now as your preparatory period. You think, I really want to do this, and I’ll do it when the time comes. This is a way of living that postpones life. As long as we postpone life, we can never go anywhere, and will only pass our days one after the next in dull monotony, because we think of here and now as just a preparatory period, as a time for patience. But a ‘here and now’ in which one is studying for an entrance examination in the distant future, for example, is the real thing.
March 03, 2023 14:57	SHINE A LIGHT ON THE HERE AND NOW	85.9%	#FFB	We should live more earnestly only here and now. The fact that you think you can see the past, or predict the future, is proof that rather than living earnestly here and now, you are living in a dim twilight. Life is a series of moments, and neither the past nor the future exist. You are trying to give yourself a way out by focusing on the past and the future. What happened in the past has nothing whatsoever to do with your here and now, and what the future may hold is not a matter to think about here and now.
March 03, 2023 14:53	LIVE LIKE YOU’RE DANCING	84.5%	#FFB	Think of it this way: Life is a series of moments, which one lives as if one were dancing, right now, around and around each passing instant. And when one happens to survey one’s surroundings, one realises, I guess I’ve made it this far. Among those who have danced the dance of the violin, there are people who stay the course and become professional musicians. Among those who have danced the dance of the bar examination, there are people who become lawyers. There are people who have danced the dance of writing, and become authors. Of course, it also happens that people end up in entirely different places. But none of these lives came to an end ‘en route’. It is enough if one finds fulfilment in the here and now one is dancing.
March 03, 2023 14:52	LIFE IS A SERIES OF MOMENTS	84.0%	#FFB	If life were a line, then life planning would be possible. But our lives are only a series of dots. A well-planned life is not something to be treated as necessary or unnecessary, as it is impossible.
March 03, 2023 14:52	LIFE IS A SERIES OF MOMENTS	84.0%	#FFB	Do not treat it as a line. Think of life as a series of dots. If you look through a magnifying glass at a solid line drawn with chalk, you will discover that what you thought was a line is actually a series of small dots. Seemingly linear existence is actually a series of dots; in other words, life is a series of moments.
March 03, 2023 14:44	YOU CAN BE HAPPY NOW	80.7%	#FFB	If one really has a feeling of contribution, one will no longer have any need for recognition from others. Because one will already have the real awareness that ‘I am of use to someone’, without needing to go out of one’s way to be acknowledged by others. In other words, a person who is obsessed with the desire for recognition does not have any community feeling yet, and has not managed to engage in self-acceptance, confidence in others or contribution to others
March 03, 2023 14:43	YOU CAN BE HAPPY NOW	80.2%	#FFB	But I am sure that the reason people seek recognition is clear to you now. People want to like themselves. They want to feel that they have worth. In order to feel that, they want a feeling of contribution that tells them ‘I am of use to someone’. And they seek recognition from others as an easy means for gaining that feeling of contribution.
March 03, 2023 14:42	YOU CAN BE HAPPY NOW	79.7%	#FFB	For a human being, the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself. Adler came up with an extremely simple answer to address this reality. Namely, that the feeling of ‘I am beneficial to the community’ or ‘I am of use to someone’ is the only thing that can give one a true awareness that one has worth.
March 03, 2023 14:39	WORKAHOLISM IS A LIFE-LIE	78.7%	#FFB	In a sense, that is a way of living of refusing to acknowledge one’s life tasks. ‘Work’ does not mean having a job at a company. Work in the home, childrearing, contributing to the local society, hobbies and all manner of other things are work. Companies and such are just one small part of that. A way of living that acknowledges only company work is one that is lacking in harmony of life.
March 03, 2023 14:37	WORKAHOLISM IS A LIFE-LIE	77.7%	#FFB	In Adlerian psychology, we think of this as a way of living that is lacking in ‘harmony of life’. It is a way of living in which one sees only a part of things, but judges the whole.
March 03, 2023 14:34	YOUNG PEOPLE WALK AHEAD OF ADULTS	76.5%	#FFB	For the sake of convenience, up to this point I have discussed self-acceptance, confidence in others and contribution to others, in that order. However, these three are linked as an indispensable whole, in a sort of circular structure. It is because one accepts oneself just as one is—one self-accepts—that one can have ‘confidence in others’ without the fear of being taken advantage of. And it is because one can place unconditional confidence in others, and feel that people are one’s comrades, that one can engage in ‘contribution to others’. Further, it is because one contributes to others that one can have the deep awareness that ‘I am of use to someone,’ and accept oneself just as one is. One can self-accept
March 03, 2023 14:31	THE ESSENCE OF WORK IS A CONTRIBUTION TO THE COMMON GOOD	75.0%	#FFB	Contribution to others does not connote self-sacrifice. Adler goes so far as to warn that those who sacrifice their own lives for others are people who have conformed to society too much. And please do not forget: we are truly aware of our own worth only when we feel that our existence and behaviour are beneficial to the community, that is to say, when one feels, ‘I am of use to someone.’ Do you remember this? In other words, contribution to others, rather than being about getting rid of the ‘I’ and being of service to someone, is actually something one does in order to be truly aware of the worth of the ‘I’.
March 03, 2023 14:30	THE ESSENCE OF WORK IS A CONTRIBUTION TO THE COMMON GOOD	74.8%	#FFB	To take it a step farther, one may say that people who think of others as enemies have not attained self-acceptance, and do not have enough confidence in others.
March 03, 2023 14:29	THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TRUST AND CONFIDENCE	74.0%	#FFB	If it is a shallow relationship, when it falls apart the pain will be slight. And the joy that relationship brings each day will also be slight. It is precisely because one can gain the courage to enter into deeper relationships by having confidence in others that the joy of one’s interpersonal relations can grow, and one’s joy in life can grow, too.
March 03, 2023 14:28	THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TRUST AND CONFIDENCE	74.0%	#FFB	psychology is not saying ‘have confidence in others unconditionally’ on the basis of a moralistic system of values. Unconditional confidence is a means for making your interpersonal relationship with a person better, and for building a horizontal relationship. If you do not have the desire to make your relationship with that person better, then go ahead and sever it. Because carrying out the severing is your task.
March 03, 2023 14:25	THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TRUST AND CONFIDENCE	73.4%	#FFB	PHILOSOPHER: No, it is not. What would you say is the opposite of confidence? YOUTH: An antonym of confidence? Uh … PHILOSOPHER: It is doubt. Suppose you have placed ‘doubt’ at the foundation of your interpersonal relations. That you live your life doubting other people—doubting your friends, and even your family and those you love. What sort of relationship could possibly arise from that? The other person will detect the doubt in your eyes in an instant. He or she will have an instinctive understanding that ‘this person does not have confidence in me’. Do you think one would be able to build some kind of positive relationship from that point? It is precisely because we lay a foundation of unconditional confidence that it is possible for us to build a deep relationship.
March 03, 2023 14:22	NOT SELF-AFFIRMATION—SELF-ACCEPTANCE	72.1%	#FFB	PHILOSOPHER: Here, I use the term ‘affirmative resignation’. YOUTH: Affirmative resignation? PHILOSOPHER: This is also the case with the separation of tasks—one ascertains the things one can change and the things one cannot change. One cannot change what one is born with. But one can, under one’s own power, go about changing what use one makes of that equipment. So, in that case, one simply has to focus on what one can change, rather than on what one cannot. This is what I call self-acceptance.
March 03, 2023 14:21	NOT SELF-AFFIRMATION—SELF-ACCEPTANCE	71.9%	#FFB	With self-acceptance, on the other hand, if one cannot do something, one is simply accepting ‘one’s incapable self’ as is, and moving forward so that one can do whatever one can. It is not a way of lying to oneself. To put it more simply, say you’ve got a score of sixty per cent, but you tell yourself I just happened to get unlucky this time around, and the real me is one hundred per cent. That is self-affirmation. By contrast, if one accepts oneself as one is, as sixty per cent, and thinks to oneself, How should I go about getting closer to one hundred per cent?—that is self-acceptance.
March 03, 2023 14:20	NOT SELF-AFFIRMATION—SELF-ACCEPTANCE	71.4%	#FFB	It’s about community feeling, after all. Concretely speaking, it’s making the switch from attachment to self (self-interest) to concern for others (social interest), and gaining a sense of community feeling. Three things are needed at this point: ‘self-acceptance’, ‘confidence in others’ and ‘contribution to others’.
March 02, 2023 09:00	PEOPLE CANNOT MAKE PROPER USE OF SELF	68.3%	#FFB	It is certainly important to respect one’s elders. In a company structure, it is only natural for there to be different levels of responsibility. I am not telling you to make friends with everyone, or behave as if you are close friends. Rather, what is important is to be equal in consciousness, and to assert that which needs to be asserted.
March 02, 2023 08:59	PEOPLE CANNOT MAKE PROPER USE OF SELF	68.0%	#FFB	On the other hand, if one has managed to build a horizontal relationship with at least one person—if one has been able to build a relationship of equals in the true sense of the term—that is a major lifestyle transformation. With that breakthrough, all one’s interpersonal relations will gradually become horizontal.
March 02, 2023 08:52	HOW TO FEEL YOU HAVE VALUE	65.1%	#FFB	That one can act on the community; that is to say, on other people, and that one can feel I am of use to someone. Instead of feeling judged by another person as ‘good’, being able to feel, by way of one’s own subjective viewpoint, that I can make contributions to other people. It is at that point that, at last, we can have a true sense of our own worth.
March 02, 2023 08:52	HOW TO FEEL YOU HAVE VALUE	65.1%	#FFB	So, the issue that arises at this point is, how on earth can one become able to feel one has worth? YOUTH: Yes, that’s it exactly! I need you to explain that very clearly, please. PHILOSOPHER: It’s quite simple. It is when one is able to feel I am beneficial to the community that one can have a true sense of one’s worth. This is the answer that would be offered in Adlerian psychology.
March 02, 2023 08:51	THE ENCOURAGEMENT APPROACH	64.2%	#FFB	First, do the separation of tasks. Then, while accepting each other’s differences, build equal horizontal relationships. Encouragement is the approach that comes next.
March 02, 2023 08:51	THE ENCOURAGEMENT APPROACH	64.0%	#FFB	Even if you do derive joy from being praised, it is the same as being dependent on vertical relationships, and acknowledging that you have no ability. Because giving praise is a judgement that is passed by a person of ability onto a person without ability.
March 02, 2023 08:49	THE ENCOURAGEMENT APPROACH	63.6%	#FFB	So, intervention is this kind of intruding on other people’s tasks, and directing them by saying things like, ‘You have to study,’ or ‘Get into that university.’ Whereas, assistance, on the other hand, presupposes the separation of tasks, and also horizontal relationships. Having understood that studying is the child’s task, one considers what one can do for him. Concretely speaking, instead of commanding from above that the child must study, one acts on him in such a way that he can gain the confidence to take care of his own studies and face his tasks on his own.
March 02, 2023 08:48	THE ENCOURAGEMENT APPROACH	63.3%	#FFB	YOUTH: Well, it’s one thing if you’re just talking about a child’s studies. But when someone’s suffering right there in front of you, you can’t just leave them be, can you? Would you still say that lending a helping hand is intervention, and then do nothing? PHILOSOPHER: One must not let it go unnoticed. It is necessary to offer assistance that does not turn into intervention.
March 02, 2023 08:47	THE ENCOURAGEMENT APPROACH	63.1%	#FFB	As you may recall from our discussion on the separation of tasks, I brought up the subject of intervention. This is the act of intruding on other people’s tasks. So, why does a person intervene? Here, too, in the background, vertical relationships are at play. It is precisely because one perceives interpersonal relations as vertical, and sees the other party as beneath one, that one intervenes. Through intervention, one tries to lead the other party in the desired direction. One has convinced oneself that one is right, and that the other party is wrong.
March 02, 2023 08:47	DO NOT REBUKE OR PRAISE	62.9%	#FFB	In the first place, the feeling of inferiority is an awareness that arises within vertical relationships. If one can build horizontal relationships that are ‘equal but not the same’ for all people, there will no longer be any room for inferiority complexes to emerge.
March 02, 2023 08:45	DO NOT REBUKE OR PRAISE	62.4%	#FFB	One wishes to be praised by someone. Or conversely, one decides to give praise to someone. This is proof that one is seeing all interpersonal relationships as ‘vertical relationships’. This holds true for you, too: it is because you are living in vertical relationships that you want to be praised. Adlerian psychology refutes all manner of vertical relationships, and proposes that all interpersonal relationships be horizontal relationships. In a sense, this point may be regarded as the fundamental principle of Adlerian psychology.
March 02, 2023 08:44	DO NOT REBUKE OR PRAISE	62.2%	#FFB	In other words, the mother who praises the child by saying things like ‘You’re such a good helper!’ or ‘Good job!’ or ‘Well, aren’t you something!’ is unconsciously creating a hierarchical relationship and seeing the child as beneath her. The example of animal training that you just gave is also emblematic of the hierarchical relationship—the vertical relationship—that is behind the praising. When one person praises another, the goal is ‘to manipulate someone who has less ability than you’. It is not done out of gratitude or respect.
March 02, 2023 08:44	DO NOT REBUKE OR PRAISE	62.0%	#FFB	In the act of praise, there is the aspect of it being ‘the passing of judgement by a person of ability on a person of no ability’.
March 02, 2023 08:34	YOU ARE NOT THE CENTRE OF THE WORLD	58.2%	#FFB	People who have concern only for themselves think that they are at the centre of the world. To such people, others are merely ‘people who will do something for me’. They half-genuinely believe that everyone else exists to serve them, and should give precedence to their feelings.
March 02, 2023 08:33	WHY AM I ONLY INTERESTED IN MYSELF ?	57.5%	#FFB	People who are obsessed with such a desire for recognition will seem to be looking at other people, while they are actually only looking at themselves. They lack concern for others, and are concerned solely with the ‘I’. Simply put, they are self-centred.
March 02, 2023 08:31	THE GOAL OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS IS A FEELING OF COMMUNITY	56.6%	#FFB	PHILOSOPHER: As I have been saying all along, Adlerian psychology has the view that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. Interpersonal relations are the source of unhappiness. And the opposite can be said, too—interpersonal relations are the source of happiness. YOUTH: Indeed. PHILOSOPHER: Furthermore, community feeling is the most important index for considering a state of interpersonal relations that is happy.
March 02, 2023 08:30	THE GOAL OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS IS A FEELING OF COMMUNITY	56.4%	#FFB	PHILOSOPHER: When Adler refers to community, he goes beyond the household, school, workplace and local society, and treats it as all-inclusive, covering not only nations and all of humanity, but the entire axis of time from the past to the future—and he includes plants and animals, and even inanimate objects. YOUTH: Huh? PHILOSOPHER: In other words, he is espousing that community is not merely one of the pre-existing frameworks that the word might bring to mind, but is also inclusive of literally everything; the entire universe, from the past to the future. YOUTH: No way. Now you’ve lost me. The universe? Past and future? What on earth are you talking about? PHILOSOPHER: The majority of those who hear this have similar doubts. This is not something one can comprehend immediately. Adler himself acknowledged that the community he was espousing was ‘an unattainable ideal’.
March 02, 2023 08:29	THE GOAL OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS IS A FEELING OF COMMUNITY	56.2%	#FFB	It was the time before last, I believe, that I brought up the matter of how one sees others; that is, as enemies or as comrades. Now, take that a step deeper. If other people are our comrades, and we live surrounded by them, we should be able to find in that life our own place of ‘refuge’. Moreover, in doing so, we should begin to have the desire to share with our comrades—to contribute to the community. This sense of others as comrades, this awareness of ‘having one’s own refuge’, is called ‘community feeling’.
March 02, 2023 08:06	YOU HOLD THE CARDS TO INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS	53.3%	#FFB	When we speak of interpersonal relationships, it always seems to be two-person relationships and one’s relationship to a large group that come to mind, but first it is oneself. When one is tied to the desire for recognition, the interpersonal relationship cards will always stay in the hands of other people. Does one entrust the cards of life to another person, or hold onto them oneself?
March 02, 2023 08:06	YOU HOLD THE CARDS TO INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS	53.3%	#FFB	Even if I change, it is only ‘I’ who changes. I do not know what will happen to the other person as a result, and that is not an aspect I can take part in. This too is the separation of tasks. Of course, there are times when, in tandem with my change—not due to my change—the other person changes too. In many cases, that person will have no choice but to change. But that is not the goal, and it is certainly possible that the other person will not change. In any case, changing one’s own speech and conduct as a way of manipulating other people is clearly a mistaken way of thinking.
March 02, 2023 08:05	YOU HOLD THE CARDS TO INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS	53.0%	#FFB	Many people think that the interpersonal relationship cards are held by the other person. That is why they wonder, How does that person feel about me?, and end up living in such a way as to satisfy the wishes of other people. But if they can grasp the separation of tasks, they will notice that they are holding all the cards. This is a new way of thinking.
March 02, 2023 08:03	WHAT REAL FREEDOM IS	51.9%	#FFB	The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.
March 02, 2023 08:03	WHAT REAL FREEDOM IS	51.9%	#FFB	Not wanting to be disliked’ is probably my task, but whether or not so-and-so dislikes me is the other person’s task. Even if there is a person who doesn’t think well of me, I cannot intervene in that. To borrow from the proverb I mentioned earlier, naturally one would make the effort to lead a horse to water. But whether he drinks or not is that person’s task.
March 02, 2023 08:02	WHAT REAL FREEDOM IS	51.7%	#FFB	One neither prepares to be self-righteous, nor becomes defiant. One just separates tasks. There may be a person who does not think well of you, but that is not your task. And again, thinking things like, He should like me, or I’ve done all this, so it’s strange that he doesn’t like me, is the reward-oriented way of thinking of having intervened in another person’s tasks. One moves forward without fearing the possibility of being disliked. One does not live as if one were rolling downhill, but instead climbs the slope that lies ahead. That is freedom for a human being.
March 02, 2023 08:01	WHAT REAL FREEDOM IS	51.2%	#FFB	It is certainly distressful to be disliked. If possible, one would like to live without being disliked by anyone. One wants to satisfy one’s desire for recognition. But conducting oneself in such a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living, and is also impossible. There is a cost incurred when one wants to exercise one’s freedom. And the cost of freedom in interpersonal relationships is that one is disliked by other people.
March 02, 2023 07:52	DESIRE FOR RECOGNITION MAKES YOU UNFREE	50.3%	#FFB	An adult, who has chosen an unfree way to live, on seeing a young person living freely here and now in this moment, criticises the youth as being hedonistic; of course, this is a life-lie that comes out so that the adult can accept his own unfree life. An adult who has chosen real freedom himself will not make such comments, and will instead cheer on the will to be free.
March 02, 2023 07:51	DESIRE FOR RECOGNITION MAKES YOU UNFREE	50.1%	#FFB	Separating one’s tasks is not an egocentric thing. Intervening in other people’s tasks is essentially an egocentric way of thinking, however. Parents force their children to study; they meddle in their life and marriage choices. That is nothing other than an egocentric way of thinking.
March 02, 2023 07:50	DESIRE FOR RECOGNITION MAKES YOU UNFREE	49.7%	#FFB	Maybe it is easier to live in such a way as to satisfy other people’s expectations. Because one is entrusting one’s own life to them. For example, one runs along the tracks that one’s parents have laid out. Even if there are a lot of things one might object to, one will not lose one’s way as long as one stays on those rails. But if one is deciding one’s path oneself, it’s only natural that one will get lost at times. One comes up against the wall of ‘how one should live’.
March 02, 2023 07:47	CUT THE GORDIAN KNOT	48.8%	#FFB	In Adlerian psychology, there are aspects that are antithetical to normal social thinking. It denies aetiology, denies trauma and adopts teleology. It treats people’s problems as interpersonal relationship problems. And the not-seeking of recognition and the separation of tasks, too, are probably antithetical to normal social thinking.
March 02, 2023 07:39	HOW TO RID YOURSELF OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS	47.0%	#FFB	We are all suffering in interpersonal relationships. It might be the relationship with one’s parents or one’s elder brother, and it might be the interpersonal relationships at one’s workplace. Now, last time, you were saying that you wanted some specific steps. This is what I propose. First, one should ask ‘whose task is this?’ Then do the separation of tasks. Calmly delineate up to what point one’s own tasks go, and from what point they become another person’s tasks. And do not intervene in other people’s tasks, or allow even a single person to intervene in one’s own tasks. This is a specific and revolutionary viewpoint that is unique to Adlerian psychology and contains the potential to utterly change one’s interpersonal relationship problems.
March 02, 2023 07:37	HOW TO RID YOURSELF OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS	46.7%	#FFB	Then, supposing you had done the separation of tasks. How would things be? In other words, no matter how much your boss tries to vent his unreasonable anger at you, that is not your task. The unreasonable emotions are tasks for your boss to deal with himself
March 02, 2023 07:35	HOW TO RID YOURSELF OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS	46.3%	#FFB	That is what separating is. You are worried about other people looking at you. You are worried about being judged by other people. That is why you are constantly craving recognition from others. Now, why are you worried about other people looking at you, anyway? Adlerian psychology has an easy answer. You haven’t done the separation of tasks yet. You assume that even things that should be other people’s tasks are your own. Remember the words of the grandmother: ‘You’re the only one who’s worried how you look.’ Her remark drives right to the heart of the separation of tasks. What other people think when they see your face—that is the task of other people, and is not something you have any control over.
March 02, 2023 07:33	DISCARD OTHER PEOPLE’S TASKS	45.6%	#FFB	But think about it this way: intervening in other people’s tasks and taking on other people’s tasks turns one’s life into something heavy and full of hardship. If you are leading a life of worry and suffering—which stems from interpersonal relationships—first, learn the boundary of ‘from here on, that is not my task’. And discard other people’s tasks. That is the first step toward lightening the load and making life simpler.
March 02, 2023 07:33	DISCARD OTHER PEOPLE’S TASKS	45.6%	#FFB	Look, the act of believing is also the separation of tasks. You believe in your partner; that is your task. But how that person acts with regard to your expectations and trust is other people’s tasks. When you push your wishes without having drawn that line, before you know it you’re engaging in stalker-like intervention. Supposing your partner did not act as you had wished. Would you still be able to believe in that person? Would you still be able to love that person? The task of love that Adler speaks of is comprised of such questions.
March 02, 2023 07:33	DISCARD OTHER PEOPLE’S TASKS	45.4%	#FFB	at last the parent notices it, the ‘I’ is already gone from his or her life. However, no matter how much of the burden of the child’s task one carries, the child is still an independent individual. Children do not become what their parents want them to become. In their choices of university, place of employment and partner in marriage, and even in the everyday subtleties of speech and conduct, they do not act according to their parents’ wishes. Naturally, the parents will worry about them, and probably want to intervene at times. But, as I said earlier, other people are not living to satisfy your expectations. Though the child is one’s own, he or she is not living to satisfy one’s expectations as a parent.
March 02, 2023 07:29	HOW TO SEPARATE TASKS	44.3%	#FFB	One has to pay attention. Adlerian psychology does not recommend the non-interference approach. Non-interference is the attitude of not knowing, and not even being interested in knowing what the child is doing. Instead, it is by knowing what the child is doing that one protects him. If it’s studying that is the issue, one tells the child that that is his task, and one lets him know that one is ready to assist him whenever he has the urge to study. But one must not intrude on the child’s task. When no requests are being made, it does not do to meddle in things.
March 02, 2023 07:28	HOW TO SEPARATE TASKS	43.8%	#FFB	In general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks, or having one’s own tasks intruded on. Carrying out the separation of tasks is enough to change one’s interpersonal relationships dramatically.
March 02, 2023 07:25	DO NOT LIVE TO SATISFY THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS	42.9%	#FFB	When trying to be recognised by others, almost all people treat satisfying other people’s expectations as the means to that end. And that is in accordance with the stream of thought of reward-and-punishment education that says one will be praised if one takes appropriate action. If, for example, the main point of your job turns out to be satisfying other people’s expectations, then that job is going to be very hard on you. Because you’ll always be worried about other people looking at you and fear their judgement, and you are repressing your ‘I-ness’.
March 02, 2023 07:24	DO NOT LIVE TO SATISFY THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS	42.5%	#FFB	Wishing so hard to be recognised will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be ‘this kind of person’. In other words, you throw away who you really are and live other people’s lives. And please remember this: if you are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, it follows that other people are not living to satisfy your expectations. Someone might not act the way you want him to, but it doesn’t do to get angry. That’s only natural.
March 02, 2023 07:22	DO NOT LIVE TO SATISFY THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS	42.0%	#FFB	If one takes appropriate action, one receives praise. If one takes inappropriate action, one receives punishment. Adler was very critical of education by reward and punishment. It leads to mistaken lifestyles in which people think, If no one is going to praise me, I won’t take appropriate action and If no one is going to punish me, I’ll engage in inappropriate actions, too. You already have the goal of wanting to be praised when you start picking up litter. And if you aren’t praised by anyone, you’ll either be indignant, or decide that you’ll never do such a thing again. Clearly, there’s something wrong with this situation.
March 02, 2023 07:16	FROM THE PSYCHOLOGY OF POSSESSION TO THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PRACTICE	38.7%	#FFB	We humans are not so fragile as to simply be at the mercy of aetiological (cause and effect) traumas. From the standpoint of teleology, we choose our lives and our lifestyles ourselves. We have the power to do that.
March 02, 2023 07:16	FROM THE PSYCHOLOGY OF POSSESSION TO THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PRACTICE	38.7%	#FFB	Freudian aetiology is a psychology of possession, and eventually arrives at determinism. Adlerian psychology, on the other hand, is a psychology of use, and it is you who decides it.
March 02, 2023 07:06	OVERCOMING THE TASKS THAT FACE YOU IN LIFE	34.4%	#FFB	First, there are two objectives for behaviour: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. Then, the objectives for the psychology that supports these behaviours are the consciousness that I have the ability and the consciousness that people are my comrades.
March 02, 2023 07:02	ADMITTING FAULT IS NOT DEFEAT	33.7%	#FFB	In the first place, the rightness of one’s assertions has nothing to do with winning or losing. If you think you are right, regardless of what other people’s opinions might be, the matter should be closed then and there. However, many people will rush into a power struggle, and try to make others submit to them. And that is why they think of ‘admitting a mistake’ as ‘admitting defeat’.
March 02, 2023 07:02	ADMITTING FAULT IS NOT DEFEAT	33.7%	#FFB	I am right. That is to say, the other party is wrong. At that point, the focus of the discussion shifts from ‘the rightness of the assertions’ to ‘the state of the interpersonal relationship’. In other words, the conviction that ‘I am right’ leads to the assumption that ‘this person is wrong’, and finally it becomes a contest and you are thinking, I have to win. It’s a power struggle through and through.
March 01, 2023 15:04	BRAGGARTS HAVE FEELINGS OF INFERIORITY	25.9%	#FFB	Those who manifest their inferiority complexes in words or attitudes, who say that ‘A is the situation, so B cannot be done’, are implying that if only it were not for A, I’d be capable and have value
March 01, 2023 15:01	AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX IS AN EXCUSE	24.6%	#FFB	Adler is saying that the pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority are not diseases, but stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth. If it is not used in the wrong way, the feeling of inferiority, too, can promote striving and growth.
March 01, 2023 14:45	YOUR LIFE IS DECIDED HERE AND NOW	17.8%	#FFB	Rather, as Adler’s teleology tells us, ‘No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on.’ That you, living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life.
March 01, 2023 14:43	PEOPLE ALWAYS CHOOSE NOT TO CHANGE	16.5%	#FFB	On the other hand, if one chooses a new lifestyle, no one can predict what might happen to the new self, or have any idea how to deal with events as they arise. It will be hard to see ahead to the future, and life will be filled with anxiety. A more painful and unhappy life might lie ahead. Simply put, people have various complaints about things, but it’s easier and more secure to be just the way one is.
March 01, 2023 14:40	YOUR LIFE IS DECIDED HERE AND NOW	16.9%	#FFB	, you say that one should take the stance of teleology, as opposed to Freudian aetiology; that one must not search for causes in one’s past, and should deny trauma
March 01, 2023 14:36	PEOPLE ALWAYS CHOOSE NOT TO CHANGE	16.0%	#FFB	You’ll probably face disappointment, and start looking at other people and feeling, I wish I’d been born in their circumstances. But you can’t let it end there. The issue is not the past, but here, in the present. And now you’ve learned about lifestyle. But what you do with it from here on in is your responsibility. Whether you go on choosing the lifestyle you’ve had up till now, or you choose a new lifestyle altogether, it’s entirely up to you.
March 01, 2023 14:33	UNHAPPINESS IS SOMETHING YOU CHOOSE FOR YOURSELF	14.5%	#FFB	Without question, there is no shortage of behaviour that is evil. But no one, not even the most hardened criminal, becomes involved in crime purely out of a desire to engage in evil acts. Every criminal has an internal justification for getting involved in crime. A dispute over money leads someone to engage in murder, for instance. To the perpetrator, it is something for which there is a justification, and which can be restated as an accomplishment of ‘good’. Of course, this is not good in a moral sense, but good in the sense of being ‘of benefit to oneself’.
March 01, 2023 14:28	HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT BEING CONTROLLED BY THE PAST	12.0%	#FFB	The Freudian aetiology that is typified by the trauma argument is determinism in a different form, and is the road to nihilism
March 01, 2023 14:21	TRAUMA DOES NOT EXIST	9.5%	#FFB	. Focus on the point Adler is making here when he refers to the self being determined not by our experiences themselves, but by the meaning we give them. He is not saying that the experience of a horrible calamity or abuse during childhood or other such incidents have no influence on forming a personality; their influences are strong. But the important thing is that nothing is actually determined by those influences

Circulation

Date	Activity	Details	Library
March 01, 2023 12:41	Borrowed	21 days	National Library Board Singapore
March 01, 2023 12:41	Tagged	🧾	National Library Board Singapore